June 29, 2012


Happiness can be taken away or compromised so quickly, love especially. Ignorance is one such way of ruining a person`s security.In this small town, there are, supposedly good Christians, who appear to  feed on judging others. Small towns have very little entertainment,  so what you may see slot of are,  drugs,  alcohol,  gossip and fighting...great combination.

Having a medical condition,  which I am not proud of,  word of it got out and made it back to Barry's employer, the Sheriff of Pickens County.  The Sheriff  owns a farm that feeds inmates at the local jail. Five years ago,  while still incarcerated,  Barry began tending the farm with only two goats. Today, all by himself,  Barry tends to milking twenty-two goats,  caring for thirty-five hogs and collecting eggs from several hens.

Ahmed was always trying to play games with me,  wanting a mistress,  although,  personally tired of that life,  the answer was no. Of course telling Ahmed of my condition,  mainly to try and scare him off, was done. It didn't work though,  Ahmed is educated enogh to know the medical condition is not dangerous. Once Barry and I became closer, Ahmed became jealous and vindictive. One night when drunk,  he opened his big mouth so that it got back to, Nelly,  the biggest gossip.

When Nelly catches wind of something, she runs with it. The information of my condition made its way back to the Sheriff , now he is breathing down Barry's neck. The sheriff told Barry that I couldn't live on the land and that if Barry didn't  like it,  then take his camper and go.

Since this relationship has begun,  there have been so many obstacles. It's difficult to believe that the Sheriff, an educated man of the law, believes what he's telling Barry about my condion is true. Yet , this morning he made Barry get tested anyways. The test would be negative,  it takes a few months for someone to test positive. My condition is hard to catch,  though contagios, unless we start shooting up drugs, there is a very slight chance of Barry catching it. Telling him or was to early to know, sure enough the sheriff found out and told Barry that he had to be retested again in six weeks.

The way Barry loves me is so refreshingly nice. He is sweet to me, doesn't call names or put me down. He has done a lot so that we can be together, in just a short period of time and he's willing to lose his job over this.

Barry agreed  that,  the sheriff might have power in Pickens County,  although only one has more power then anyone and it's up to God how things work out. Whether it's ignorance, control or both on  the sheriff's behalf,  there is still quite a bit of guilt on mine. It feels like the story of Romeo and Juliete.

June 24, 2012


When coming down to Alabama, meeting someone was farthest from my mind. For years, wanting to move South, live back in the country and settle down seemed only a dream. How is it that when all your wishes come true, suddenly, in just a few days can make a person scared is so mysterious. Can to much of a good thing destroy a person.

A few days ago, telling Barry how wishing to be not seen, then maybe life would be easier for me. One day, while watching myself on video, it just did not make any sense, what men see when they look at me.

There is a part that thinks the way Barry loves me, I'm am not worthy of. Much like my life, his has been just as dysfunctional. Fearful of going to him with some issues that have arisen over the past few days, I gave it a go and talked to him about it.

Barry suggested that we save some money and look at some land, my idea was to start with a double wide trailor. Situations have arisen, he want a child, which isn't surprising coming from a forty-five year old, childless man. Next week we are going to move in together, being nervous, yet, God has a plan.

In the past men have loved me, the same way Barry does, although, these same men became overly possessive. Eventually this caused the relationship to end, because both of us being abusive to one another.

Loving Barry is different then how past relationships were in the past. Because it doesn't have to be kept a secret, since Barry is unmarried, it just feels nice. At first, a first thought was, where is that thrill. It occurred to me, this feeling is normal, not a fling, just a good, warm and safe feeling. Always saying how and how he loves me, he doesn't seem to believe that the feeling is mutual. 

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