February 25, 2012

#H.A.L.T.

Yesterday after waking up from only sleeping for five hours, it was an intuition that consumed me while sleeping the night before and would not leave.  Tossing the fight to sleep a little while longer yesterday morning out the window, coming downstairs and making those important phone calls was the only option left.  The news was not good, nothing was going my way and all the emotions bottled up inside just came pouring out and most of the day was a day of tears.  Last night after going to a couple of meetings and feeling better afterwards, it was still tough getting a good night sleep, those worries are making the feelings of H.A.L.T. tough.

Food is of little interest these past few weeks, it's more of a survival thing than hunger, agitation and worry has taken away my appetite.  Friends and family are worried about the sudden weight loss because most of my friends are used to me heavier and my family hasn't seen me at this size since my teenage years.  Some are afraid that there is no food in my house, although there is plenty of food in the refrigerator, there is very little personal hunger.  

Many of my days are spend alone in my home, with my son living on his own and no interest of being in a relationship, just sitting for days without conversation is overpowering me.  Knowing that going out is good for me, even if it is just for a good brisk walk or attending to an AA meeting, it does help a great deal.  The gentleman who took me and two other females to the AA meetings is falling head over heals for me, yet being twenty-nine years my senior and in poor health, it is just something that is not of my best interest to pursue.  The thought of being lonely and heart broken in a few short years is just another feeling that I do not want to deal with. 

The anger is the worst of the four emotions in H.A.L.T., I know how to survive from years of experience and struggle but why should there have to be such a struggle is all I keep asking my higher power.  The question asked repeatedly is, why GOD is this happening again, isn't it supposed to be something done that was wrong, such as, missing to much work, coming in late excessively or really being violent and threatening the way that note said I was on December 5th.  Sometimes the what ifs start, what if I did not opt into the health insurance, what if I did not express my feelings to Dick, what if Dick was not such a jack off.  Reminding myself that it probably would not have mattered, this all began back in late July, before the trip to the Great Escape, the what ifs would probably have not changed who Dick really is.   Wishing Adel would hurry back to America, it feels like things will be okay when he gets here and hopefully he will let me work part time, even though that is more than a month away.

Knowing what has to be done to overcome the anger is one thing, doing just that is another.  The job search is tough, mainly because of the fact  there is no money for a bus pass, the only options is to walk and put on my dress shoes at the door of the interview.  There are those days that just screaming and punching at the air seem to be the only thing I can do, nothing else will change what happened.

February 23, 2012

#MakesMeSMH - Incidents at work

Going to work at FT became more of a chore on what dramatic incident was going to happen than actually the work itself.  The work at FT wasn't an issue or even difficult to do, all it entailed was putting in headphones, typing alpha-numeric at the RV office then eventually when they moved me down to Menands typing numbers for eight plus hours a day.


One of the rules in the FT employee handbook that is the biggest issue at FT would be talking about things that happened at FT outside of FT, not the work related thing either but what actually happened at FT.  Do not talk about other employees or anything that happens at FT to anybody else, this would get you fired on the spot if ever caught doing such a thing.  There is a reason for this and it has nothing to do with confidentiality when it comes to the HIPPA laws because of the sensitive material that people dealt with.  It was a whole other issue, Dick did not want people to start finding out what was going on behind those walls and forcing employees to sign a contract is one way of him trying to stop it.

This one male employee, Matt, told me that he was written up for telling somebody, who wasn't even a FT employee, outside of the RV building one evening while waiting for his bus to get home on how to go about getting a 55B with the state.  The next day Matt said they wrote him up because of some weird thing, it can be guaranteed that they did not put on that write up, because you were standing outside of work after work hours talking about a 55B with a non employee.  I thought it was an odd reason to write somebody up and did not even believe him when he told that story.  It did not even sound like a legal or legitimate reason to write somebody up, sounded bizarre, but now I believe him.   Of course now they have this crazy write up in his personal file, low and behold, when the day they need it for something to use against Matt that write up will appear along with a separate note about something that probably never even happened.



While at the RV office, during the last few weeks things would get really strange and all that could be done was try to ignore the craziness.  There were days that I knew something was going to happen, this was usually a day or two before such an incident occurred.  The way other employees and managers were acting around me was the biggest indication that some weird plot was being planned.  I know it sounds strange, outlandish and a few of these tails are going to give readers different impressions of me and the employees at FT.  What does it matter at this point now anyways, it's not as if the reason for me writing this is to get some kind of money from a lawsuit.  A lawsuit hasn't even been put into motion if there is such a thing as one over these incidents at FT.  The idea of telling this story is that if something odd happens again at FT, the chances of that are pretty good, and an employee comes forward with something similarly strange, not necessarily the same one as mine but a crazy enough as to where somebody will look into it.


To end this post, here is one of the many crazy things that happened while I was still working at the RV office:

On the day after Columbus day the RV building had reset their electricity causing everything to shut down for about thirty seconds.  After the lights went out and came back on, one of the managers, Mick, came out and told everybody to sit tight, Mick next told everybody to shut down our computers while they rebooted the servers.  After about ten minutes of waiting for the servers to reboot I made a comment about wanting to go to the restroom.  Rachel, the manager that sat behind me, yelled out, "Don't hide out!"  My comment was, "What do you mean don't hide out?" Where am I going to hide out?"  I than made a joke of it and said something about standing on the toilet so that nobody could see my feet under the door.  Although Rachel's comment did bother me a great deal while leaving and coming back I made a point of letting everybody know my presence.

After the servers booted up, upon opening up my work and starting where I had left off, on number six hundred something out of seven hundred fifty documents.  Although, each time I tried to enter the information into a document and try to go to the next document an error would pop-up that it could not be saved.  Britney, the other manager, came down the isle and told everybody to go to lunch early and the documents should then work when we came back.  Swiping out, getting my money and going to the nearby cafe for some food when I came back to eat in the break-room, everybody was working.  None of the other employees had left for lunch except for myself and one other woman who sat nearby.

Thinking to myself that it was rather strange to have, besides just me, only one other person go to lunch and nobody else, going to Rachel I told her since only being gone for fifteen minutes it made more sense to save the lunch for my usual twelve thirty.  Instead using that fifteen minutes for my second break and just not taking my afternoon break, swiping back in and going back to work only gave the same error.  Deciding to just restart everything, all the work was gone, as if none of it was ever done.  Turning around to Rachel behind me and letting her know what happened, Rachel just told me to start over.  Instead of it taking me an hour and a half to index seven hundred fifty documents, in one box, it took me three hours to finish that box that day.  Later that afternoon after finishing that box and starting a new one, I went to use the restroom.  On my way back to the work area to finish indexing the IT Tech guy stepped in front of me, got into my face and gave me a dirty look.

To this very day, what ever the reason for that entire situation is still unclear, mainly because nobody tells you what is going on.  The managers just do odd things to you, than accuse you of being paranoid.  It should be assumed then that Dick hires only employees that are paranoid because it seems as if every one of the employees at FT are paranoid and all of this is just in their minds.

February 21, 2012

#MakesMeSMH - How can somebody screw up your head?

Of all the people that has come in and out of my life, whether it was with a loving relationship, friendship or employer, nobody has ever screwed up my head the way my last employer did.  Sure there have been jobs that did not work out for one reason or another, yet, never did any boss do the things this one did to their employees.  It's as if Dick broke something inside me and I can't seem to figure out how to fix it.

Sometimes I have nightmares about working back at FT, a couple of those times they were nightmares that Dick was coming after me, no kidding.  The last time awoken by such a nightmare was one about Dick standing in the doorway of my kitchen, angry and demanding that this blog be taken down.  I was sitting on the floor trying to scoot away on my bottom and was screaming, woke myself up.  The neighbor's in the adjacent apartment were talking loudly in tones that let me know they probably heard me.  The walls in the apartment here very thin, you can hear just about everything that goes on, a conversations, the television playing or somebody taking a shower in the adjacent apartment's bathroom right next to my bedroom.  After one of those nightmares and waking up screaming, knowing that my neighbors have heard me, is so embarrassing when that happens.  Nightmares like this hasn't happened since I was a little kid, sometimes I wonder if it could be post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD).  While still working at FT, many days after they took me off the front desk I would come home and just cry for hours.  After they moved me to the other office it turned into crying and throwing up, wondering what was going on.

The nightmares started after the first week at the new location, one example is, sometimes the receptionist would march down the isle were I was doing the data entry, he would stop, stand in front of me and just get this weird, confused angry look on his face.  There are a few other things that happened at that place, nobody would believe me anyways, I don't know if to believe myself come to think of it now.  If a person who appears and feels perfectly sane knows talking about something sounds outlandish, does that make it a delusion or is it real?  When smelling the marijuana in the office, watching employees pass it around to make the entire office smell like marijuana and even seeing the partially smoked clip with my own eyes.  It sounds totally insane but when I told other employees about it they believed me, even this one woman at the knitting circle I went to believed me.  The woman at the knitting circle said that she worked at the mental health unit at Albany Medical Center and had helped patience get jobs at FT.  The only one that tried making me sound mentally unstable about the situation was Dick.

February 19, 2012

Why is frustration eating away at me?

Feeling so frustrated today and those little things are irritating me to no avail.  Adding the gadgets to my blogs helped to make me feel a little better.  Watching that little twitter bird flying around just tickles me pink.

There is this animal that has been living in the ceiling of the apartment for the past two winters I have lived here.  It probably is an obese squirrel, hopefully, by the way it gallops heavily around in the ceiling, which is between the second and third floor.  The thought of accepting that it could be anything else is just disturbing and that damn animal is just so loud.

In the morning, usually about ten, it comes back in from the outside and starts gnawing on a wooden beam of some sort for about an hour than the obese squirrel goes back outside.  Next, every evening around dusk, the obese squirrel returns and continues where it left off and gnaws on that same beam for the last hour before dusk.  The obese squirrel next just runs back and forth for an hour to the point where I want to take a little ball of rat poison wrapped in peanut butter and slip it up there.  The only thing that is stopping me from doing such a thing is the thought of it dying up there than decomposing.  Sometimes I'll poke the ceiling tile and try to scare the crap out of it by hitting the same tile it runs across.  Usually the obese squirrel is to quick and I'll miss, yet every now and than luck will be on my side while the sucker is running over the same tile that I poke making it fly in the air a bit, you can hear it kind of thump back onto the tile when this happens, and that seems to do the trick.  I have tried vacuuming the ceiling, that doesn't seem to bother the obese squirrel much so the next time sticking the vacuum hose into the ceiling and just letting it run for that last hour of dusk should make the pest drop little poopy pellets.

Earlier this evening, while lying on the couch, the obese squirrel started doing it's nightly trek of running back and forth.  I grabbed a sweater near me on the couch and began throwing it up at the ceiling as the obese squirrel ran by.  Suddenly feeling a piece of paper in the sweater pocket and immediately knowing what that piece of paper entailed, I grabbed it out of the sweater pocket and sure enough it was that damn paper that I had searched all over for.

Back in November, a few days before Veterans day, I had requested to come in late because where the city here has no buses running on major holidays and Sundays.  So to get to work on veterans day walking to the next city over was the only option, otherwise, paying twenty bucks for a cab wasn't going to happen.   The day the request to come in late was put in, was also low and behold, November eighth, when one of those mysterious notes appeared in the labor department file.  The note was from the female manager that was, at the time, training me for that series of indexing and what it says is:



So that must mean if a FT employee needs to find something, asking a manger is not the correct thing to do because that is a non-work related question.  In my statement to the administrative law judge comments were made about that day, you can read it by clicking here.  That same day my production was also incorrectly twenty percentage lower than it should have been, that is if it is legal to add lunches and breaks into the production reports.  I wish somebody could tell me if the following are something to argue in my next statement as follows:


  • If my last day of work was 12/16/11 and the email was sent on 12/18/11 and my discharge was on 12/19/11 and I never clocked in or sat down to work but was sent right home, does the email on 12/18/11 still count?  I did get a Paid Time Off, which is actually not supposed to happen, the employee handbook says that upon leaving FT, as an employee, all PTO is lost.
  • If I was denied unemployment for one reason, can the employer produce new reasons after I appeal the decision the first time?  Those notes were never mentioned to me during the original phone interview  with the unemployment representative.
  • Does my employer have to give me copies of the write up?
  • Does my employer have to state a reason on the write up?
  • Can a separate handwritten note be considered valid evidence, especially if it wasn't submitted originally?
  • Can a write-up still be considered good if somebody makes a change on it and initials the write-up without my knowledge, after I signed the write-up?
  • Legal websites about unemployment mention not to go into a tangent in your original statement about why you were denied but stick to the facts.  What if the statement was based on issues added to the file that had nothing to do with the original reason why I was denied in the first place?
If somebody knows any of the answers to these, please just leave a comment or email me? 

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