June 24, 2012

#StartingANeeLife

When coming down to Alabama, meeting someone was farthest from my mind. For years, wanting to move South, live back in the country and settle down seemed only a dream. How is it that when all your wishes come true, suddenly, in just a few days can make a person scared is so mysterious. Can to much of a good thing destroy a person.

A few days ago, telling Barry how wishing to be not seen, then maybe life would be easier for me. One day, while watching myself on video, it just did not make any sense, what men see when they look at me.

There is a part that thinks the way Barry loves me, I'm am not worthy of. Much like my life, his has been just as dysfunctional. Fearful of going to him with some issues that have arisen over the past few days, I gave it a go and talked to him about it.

Barry suggested that we save some money and look at some land, my idea was to start with a double wide trailor. Situations have arisen, he want a child, which isn't surprising coming from a forty-five year old, childless man. Next week we are going to move in together, being nervous, yet, God has a plan.

In the past men have loved me, the same way Barry does, although, these same men became overly possessive. Eventually this caused the relationship to end, because both of us being abusive to one another.

Loving Barry is different then how past relationships were in the past. Because it doesn't have to be kept a secret, since Barry is unmarried, it just feels nice. At first, a first thought was, where is that thrill. It occurred to me, this feeling is normal, not a fling, just a good, warm and safe feeling. Always saying how and how he loves me, he doesn't seem to believe that the feeling is mutual. 

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