February 25, 2012

#H.A.L.T.

Yesterday after waking up from only sleeping for five hours, it was an intuition that consumed me while sleeping the night before and would not leave.  Tossing the fight to sleep a little while longer yesterday morning out the window, coming downstairs and making those important phone calls was the only option left.  The news was not good, nothing was going my way and all the emotions bottled up inside just came pouring out and most of the day was a day of tears.  Last night after going to a couple of meetings and feeling better afterwards, it was still tough getting a good night sleep, those worries are making the feelings of H.A.L.T. tough.

Food is of little interest these past few weeks, it's more of a survival thing than hunger, agitation and worry has taken away my appetite.  Friends and family are worried about the sudden weight loss because most of my friends are used to me heavier and my family hasn't seen me at this size since my teenage years.  Some are afraid that there is no food in my house, although there is plenty of food in the refrigerator, there is very little personal hunger.  

Many of my days are spend alone in my home, with my son living on his own and no interest of being in a relationship, just sitting for days without conversation is overpowering me.  Knowing that going out is good for me, even if it is just for a good brisk walk or attending to an AA meeting, it does help a great deal.  The gentleman who took me and two other females to the AA meetings is falling head over heals for me, yet being twenty-nine years my senior and in poor health, it is just something that is not of my best interest to pursue.  The thought of being lonely and heart broken in a few short years is just another feeling that I do not want to deal with. 

The anger is the worst of the four emotions in H.A.L.T., I know how to survive from years of experience and struggle but why should there have to be such a struggle is all I keep asking my higher power.  The question asked repeatedly is, why GOD is this happening again, isn't it supposed to be something done that was wrong, such as, missing to much work, coming in late excessively or really being violent and threatening the way that note said I was on December 5th.  Sometimes the what ifs start, what if I did not opt into the health insurance, what if I did not express my feelings to Dick, what if Dick was not such a jack off.  Reminding myself that it probably would not have mattered, this all began back in late July, before the trip to the Great Escape, the what ifs would probably have not changed who Dick really is.   Wishing Adel would hurry back to America, it feels like things will be okay when he gets here and hopefully he will let me work part time, even though that is more than a month away.

Knowing what has to be done to overcome the anger is one thing, doing just that is another.  The job search is tough, mainly because of the fact  there is no money for a bus pass, the only options is to walk and put on my dress shoes at the door of the interview.  There are those days that just screaming and punching at the air seem to be the only thing I can do, nothing else will change what happened.
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